Are you seeing reoccurring patterns in your relationships with others? Are you noticing that you are encountering similar issues with even different people? If you answered yes to either one of these questions then chances are you have a relationship pattern. A relationship pattern is when we seek the same characteristics in a relationship over and over. We may wonder why our relationships fail time after time when the people we choose are in fact different. The reason they fail is because we keep assuming the same role and seeking the same characteristics in a person that will play along with us.
In order to correct this behavior we need to dissect our roles in relationships beginning with the roles we play in family, friendships, and love relationships. Whether we want to realize it or not our relationships with our family carry over to our wants and needs with love relationships. So if anything is damaged or lacking without correction we carry this baggage over to love relationships. If we assume an “enabler” role with our family, we will likely seek a person that we can enable in our love life. If we were abused in any way, we will seek a person that abuses us. If we had a family that did not show us an abundance of love, we will seek a relationship that is not very affectionate. Why do we do this? We take on the same role because we have established a familiarity with this behavior. The same behavior becomes a comfort zone and one we are quite familiar with playing. To do anything different would be overwhelming and foreign.
If we want to change the pattern, we have to identify which relationships in our life were unhealthy. We have to assess the roles that we played and bring them into awareness so that we can actually make a change. We can’t change something if we don’t know a change is needed. We can’t show love to others if we don’t feel we know what healthy love is. We take what we were shown initially and raised by and identify this as “healthy” love when in reality it may not be. We have to decipher illusions from reality if we want to seek an easier and softer way of life without going in circles.
Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity is when we do the same thing over and over and expect different results. Until we uncover our own behaviors in relationships we will seek the same roles and expect different results.
Life altering changes in early stages of our lives can stay with us and have impact on our choices and decisions. After all our experiences are what makes us the people that we are today. We might have empathy for someone suffering abuse, being overweight, quitting an addiction, or overcoming an unhealthy relationship or family because of our own personal associations. Some of our life experiences were tragic or demeaning to our character and had impact on our view of ourselves.
Removing ourselves from the situation is always the first step, however it is not a permanent solution. Wherever we go we are sure to take ourselves with us and this means taking our history along with us too. Any weight or burden we feel does not just go away by removing ourselves from that which affected us.
How does your past set the stage of your future?
Do you have any unresolved business that you need to tend to? Do you have unresolved issues that you are continuing to avoid because you are afraid of the emotion associated with them? Taking a moral inventory of yourself is an honest step towards self-awareness. Think of it this way, we don’t heal up a wound on our arm by placing a band-aid on our knee. We have to know where it hurts at so we can clean ourselves off and begin the healing process.
Knowing who we are helps us understand the relationships we have with ourselves and with others. The foundation we establish with ourselves sets the stage for the types of relationships we seek out. So if we don’t address issues now, they will only dare to resurface later on. Chances are they will resurface at a time that we may not feel is appropriate.
How to stop replaying the old tapes?
Once we figure out who we are and where we came from, we have to correct some of the old correlations between unhealthy relationships and healthy ones. We have to address our own involvements and assess our roles in our relationships. We also need to look at what responsibilities we own and what responsibilities do not belong to us. Leaving your past behind you is one thing and taking along guilt that doesn’t belong to you is another. So it’s time to put away the boxing gloves and stop beating ourselves up.
We don’t have to replay the old scenarios that haunted us. We don’t have to live under old expectations that were never valid to begin with. We can move on. We can create a better space for ourselves and become the people we always wanted to be.
I get asked this all the time when someone is having an issue with their relationship. They ask me how they can get the person they love and care about so much to “stop doing ______” Sometimes their spouse is degrading them or trying to push buttons to engage in unhealthy behaviors that cycle into deep seeded resentments. The relationship continues on and so does the pattern developing into a parasite host relationship instead of a healthy nurturing relationship.
The rationale can go something like this, “But I love him/her.” What you love is “crazy”, what you love is the cycle that you have grown to expect, disagree/fight, then makeup. However unhealthy your relationship is or has become you have somehow grown to be accustomed to the behavior and termed it “love.” Sometimes there are deeper issues that contribute to our liking this pattern. You may have come from an abusive home or have had other unhealthy relationships before this. Perhaps you think this is just your luck and that you always find these sort of relationships. Keep in mind we pick people, places, and things because they make us feel comfortable. It’s what we are used to, it’s what we know so we seek someone that fulfills that familiarity.
However if we want to evolve and transform our boundaries and concepts of what love is we need to accept something new. We need to uncover our potential and we need to acknowledge that we actually have the right o be loved. We don’t have to stay with the insanity because we think that this is the only concept of love we will ever have. We can release the unhealthy and move forward with healing our patterns and embarking on a new journey to love.
So when does the insanity stop? It stops when we have stopped participating. It takes two to argue. It takes two to disagree. When one person stops arguing the argument has no more fuel. There is no more ignition, there is no more flame. Take that all away and what you have left is the truth. Either you carry on in a loving way or you don’t carry on at all.
If you ever were curious about why you have some of the relationships you have then this book is for you. Start by assessing your roles and involvements in relationships and then look at some of the people you establish yourself with. This book takes you through a series of chapters and journal exercises that will allow you to uncover your life patterns and establish healthier relationships as a result.
One of our focal points here is to assess your role in relationships such as family, friends, and love relationships, then take a look at any patterns that may have developed over the years. Once we bring our life patterns into awareness, we are able to identify unhealthy behaviors, and work towards improving our daily relationships.
- Identify your relationship patterns
- Assess your roles in relationships
- Deal with past issues
- Discover signs of healthy relationships
- Rebuild your trust
- Learn how to abandon drama
- Learn healthy habits
- Self examination
Sixteen years ago I met my husband and my life changed from that very moment. I was 24 years old then and was traveling on my own still finding my place. I was comfortable being single and independent but there was that piece that was missing. Once I met my husband that piece would be made aware to me.
I did a lot of healing work on my own before this. Disconnecting from my past guilt, working through fears, and taking steps towards rebuilding my true sense of being. Once I entered the safety of my soul partnership, my walls would come down even further and I would be able to peel back the onion and heal even more.
Relationships take us on a journey. Each one we encounter gives us an opportunity to heal a certain part of ourselves and grow.
Here are 5 ways relationships can help us heal
1. How we treat others is a true reflection on how we feel about ourselves: When we feel complete within ourselves we have positive relationships and draw relationships that work with our growth for our higher and greater good. When we feel bad about ourselves or go into that “punishing” mode we choose partners that treat us in a controlling or punishing way.
2. We can correct our prior patterns by making changes within our current relationships: Our lives start out with patterns and the foundations we had established for us. We either have secure roots and know how to give and receive love or we have instability and insecurity. Our job as we blossom beyond our prior family foundation is to create new patterns that work towards growth and help us correct patterns that no longer serve us.
3. We can see ourselves through another’s eyes and view our true selves: Sometimes we can be too close to ourselves. We see every fault. We scrutinize our own imperfections. When we enter in a healing relationship and one aligned with our higher purpose, this partner will see beauty and will see a perfection that we don’t always allow ourselves to appreciate.
4. We can build trust and transparency and express ourselves fully: A healing relationship allows us to stop hiding. It allows us to awaken our soul and feel safe to be who we were truly meant to be.
5. We can let go of our past stories and agree to make new ones: Recognizing our patterns is just one step in healing but being willing to let them go is another step on our journey. Ask yourself, “Does this serve my higher purpose?” or “Is it time to let go?” What we leave behind with our past stories allows us to create more space for our future.
There are special people that walk in and out of our lives, but leave their footprints behind for us to remember. And what is interesting is that even though distance or years may separate you, you never forget their presence or the memories you shared together.
I’ve met a lot of people throughout my life, many associates, but true friendships and relationships were always a rarity. The older I become, the more I appreciate and reflect on the impact those relationships had on my life at particular times.
There were always the right words spoken, the right arms open at times when I needed that bond the most. And even though at the time, I recognized the value of our friendship, it is not until now that I fully can appreciate all that person had to offer me.
You can have two entirely separate lives and be miles away, but you will find that despite time passed, you will always have a relationship with that person you remember so dearly, only now it has just changed form.