It is amazing how much our own choices and free will can determine our quality of life. Everyone has a path in which they can follow; however there are many different forks in the road that can allow us to become sidetracked from our true destination. It is our own free will to travel these courses and our own choice to participate in whatever these paths have in store for us.
We may stray from our course from time to time, but if we are fortunate, we will recognize what feels right to us and what does not. Sometimes the line that separates the two can be difficult to determine when we are in a clouded state of mind. However, once that cloudiness clears, we are then able to feel a specific pull towards a positive decision, one not made out of will, but rather out of instinct. This is a very empowering moment of discovery because our awareness is aligned with our purpose.
When we make the right decision for ourselves, we go through stages. At first we may feel indecisiveness as we do not yet own the actions we are preparing to make. Second, we go through a grievance period, where we are being asked to let go of the old path. You come to a point where you can’t stay in the same situation, but yet you do not know how to go forward. Embrace this moment, as this is part of the universe’s way of guiding you through the transition and into your new role in life. Even though your old situation may feel comfortable, you can come to the conclusion that it no longer suits you. Then you are faced with the choice to either continue the same situation or venture out into the unknown.
You can determine a situation is no longer beneficial to you by analyzing your thoughts and feelings. Think about how your body reacts to the environment or situation you are subjected to. Think of how your well-being is impacted. Are you happy or are you sad? Do you feel free or do you feel confined? Are you able to be yourself or do feel as though you must hide? Look at all the factors and answer these questions honestly to yourself.
Perhaps the life situation suited our needs at one point in our lives and now it does not. This occurs frequently because people change and so do the situations that they involve themselves in. Once we reach this particular stage, where we feel stagnant or blocked, it is our responsibility to take control and make a change based on what we know and how we feel. Give yourself time to rest on your decisions before you take action. Some people need a month to think their decisions through and others may choose to take six months to a year. Whatever your time period may be, just pay attention to how you feel and become in touch with your mind-body connection. You will know in your heart what choice to make.
Once you have gone through your waiting period, then you are ready to take action and put a change in motion. You can start out with baby steps or you can take giant leaps of faith. Do what feels right to you and what comes natural. Remember it does take a lot of courage and strength to embark on a change, so expect to feel emotions during this time. Once you have taken action, if you have made the right decision for yourself, you should feel relieved. Even despite the onslaught and struggle, you should feel like you are released and ready to embark on your future.
How will you know if you made the right decision? After any leftover emotions have subsided, you will begin to see and experience major transformations in yourself and in your life. The universe will validate your choice and let you know that you have done the right thing by opening up doors that were once closed. This is an amazing confirmation that starts occurring almost immediately.
Trust in your instincts and pay attention to what guidance the universe provides. If there are blockages in your life, look to see why, and then wait for your answers. All will be revealed at precisely the right moment, to prepare you, to make a right decision.
We often make excuses for our behaviors as if someone else was responsible for the choices we ourselves made. Somehow perhaps we find comfort by placing blame on others for our own ill ways, when in reality, there is no one to blame, but yourself.
You can choose to struggle in life or you can choose to live. The choice is up to you. If you think for one moment that having someone in your life will allow you to become responsible for your actions and choices in life, think again. If you want perfection, then you have to become it. If you want that “perfect” mate then you have to “perfect” yourself. You have to brush off the dirt and allow yourself the purity to know who you are, before you invite someone else in.
The beauty of life and of its lessons is that we are guided towards completion. If we feel discomfort then we are guided towards having a sense of “longing” that we would like a change. If you don’t feel good about how you are living right now then there is a reason for that. There is a reason for your own self mistreatment and that reason is not always someone else.
You are responsible for what you become. Make no excuses for what brought you there, and make no excuses for where you intend to be. If you don’t have goals, get some. Even small successes in life can turn around to feel big. Each step you take working towards goals and actually setting them down onto paper, the closer you become with yourself. Taking time to invest in something positive, instead of something negative can allow you to establish your own sense of self worth. If you don’t have a positive outlook then that is your own choice, but even that choice is not permanent.
You have the ability to change your mind. You have the ability to escape your own darkness and bring yourself into light. Despite your background, despite your feelings of emotional instability, you can change your perspectives in life, and you can become loving and considerate of your own needs, instead of wasting time trying to tune them out.
Understand that you do have a gift, but it is your responsibility to uncover that gift. It is your responsibility to fight off any obstacles that stand in your way from achieving your higher self. If you have had negative experiences in life then do something to make them positive. Use your experience to help others. Use your experience to help yourself, after all, isn’t that your responsibility?
When we are recovering from unhealthy relationships we start to realize that we missed out on a lot of experiences that healthy relationships have. One major characteristic is trust. Trust is such a hard trait to establish in any relationship and even more so if our idea of trust was damaged from prior relationships. We carry with us a fear of trusting someone we are close to because we are afraid of that trust being broken again.
This is a very healthy fear to have, after all, we are trying to make better choices for ourselves and the relationships that we involve ourselves in. We do have to protect our best interest and not be so naïve to the fact that others don’t always have our well being at heart. However, there will come a time when we meet someone that we are actually able to open up to and begin to rebuild some of our issues with trust. This event will be a very interesting time for anyone who has had several unhealthy relationships as it will be a breath of fresh air. This moment may come soon after an unhealthy relationship, or it may come after years of self exploration. Whenever the time comes, be confident and know that this is practice for you to experience aspects of a healthy relationship. Any new way of life takes practice. As you begin entering healthier relationships, you will acquire this new way of living no matter how awkward this may feel.
After we have spent so much time in unhealthy life situations and events, we have to dedicate ourselves to re-learning a healthier and better way of life. When we are actually ready for this experience, we magically start having opportunities being presented to us. We might meet someone that is completely different from the type of person we are familiar to associating with.
This moment will baffle us and maybe even mesmerize us at the same time. Don’t give up, no matter how uncomfortable this healthy relationship may be. Be open to a change and you will be open to your own happiness.
Sometimes the best thing to do in this type of situation is to be honest with the person you are involving yourself with. Tell them that you have had some difficult relationships and that this type of relationship is very new to you. If you feel comfortable with them and you have some level of trust, you may even be able to talk about some of your prior experiences. You don’t have to get extremely personal with someone right away. Give yourself time to develop some level of confidence in your new relationship.
Sometimes when we expose ourselves too early on in the relationship we leave ourselves open to vulnerability. So, feel it out and see if this person opens up to you. Then see if you are able to reach out to one another on a common level. When we discuss our previous issues in life, not all people are able to feel comfortable with our pasts. That is mainly due to the fact that they don’t feel comfortable with their own pasts.
If this is a truly healthy relationship then you will be able to feel like you can say anything to one another. Healthy relationships are about being mutual, not about being one-sided. It takes two people to work as a team. Teams were not created by one person alone. When you develop a partnership, you have to be able to feel like you can trust someone and that trust can take time.
Trust is apparent in so many daily life activities and yet we tend not to realize it. Especially when you are coming from an unhealthy relationship, you may feel like very simple daily life events were taken out of proportion due to the lack of trust. For example, say your partner had promised that they were going to be in a certain place at a certain time and never showed up. Well, your trust in them was broken. You may have forgiven them and then opted to try it again, only to become disappointed when the same instance occurred.
This is an example of a very simple event, but it actually destroyed your trust because this person was unable to be honest with you. Once these instances happen over and over again, you no longer feel like you can depend on that person and therefore there is a link broken in that partnership.
When you have a healthy relationship, you can trust that that partner will be there when they say they will. You can trust that they are not lying to you, cheating on you, or providing you with a distorted reality of who they really are.
No matter who you begin your healthy relationship with, trust doesn’t happen overnight. So take one step at a time and enjoy the new discoveries you encounter together. Be willing to learn a new way of loving and sharing yourself with someone else.
To help you learn a little more about yourself and what you think trust is, take a moment to write down your definition. Make a section in a journal dedicated to ‘trust.’ Write down all the people you have trusted. Talk about whether you continue to trust them now or if your trust was broken by them. If you still trust them now, write about why. If you don’t trust them, write about what happened that broke your trust.
Write about what your expectations are in a partner that you would like to trust. Then take a look at yourself. Are you an honest person? Write about what makes you worthy of someone’s trust. Do you trust yourself?
If you are accustomed to being with people that are not trust worthy then being with someone you can trust is just incredible. People that are used to unhealthy relationships will often continue to exhibit some of their same behaviors. For example, let’s say you are used to your partner always staying out late and coming home at odd hours. Well, you might just continue to think that every other partner you have might do the same thing, so basically if you worried then, you may also exhibit worry now.
This is very natural and will subside as you rebuild your sense of trust with both relationships and people in general. If you have an understanding and patient partner then you should try discussing any fears that you have before you get too involved. This way you can also get an idea where your partner is coming from as well.
Learning to trust again will happen eventually. One of the most beautiful gifts in the world is when the universe hands you something you didn’t know you were ready for. So pay attention to its calling. You will know when the opportunity is right.
Excerpt from Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships: Guide to Healthy Love & Self Discovery By Meilena Hauslendale available in paperback or eBook at https://livingonintuition.com
Are you seeing reoccurring patterns in your relationships with others? Are you noticing that you are encountering similar issues with even different people? If you answered yes to either one of these questions then chances are you have a relationship pattern. A relationship pattern is when we seek the same characteristics in a relationship over and over. We may wonder why our relationships fail time after time when the people we choose are in fact different. The reason they fail is because we keep assuming the same role and seeking the same characteristics in a person that will play along with us.
In order to correct this behavior we need to dissect our roles in relationships beginning with the roles we play in family, friendships, and love relationships. Whether we want to realize it or not our relationships with our family carry over to our wants and needs with love relationships. So if anything is damaged or lacking without correction we carry this baggage over to love relationships. If we assume an “enabler” role with our family, we will likely seek a person that we can enable in our love life. If we were abused in any way, we will seek a person that abuses us. If we had a family that did not show us an abundance of love, we will seek a relationship that is not very affectionate. Why do we do this? We take on the same role because we have established a familiarity with this behavior. The same behavior becomes a comfort zone and one we are quite familiar with playing. To do anything different would be overwhelming and foreign.
If we want to change the pattern, we have to identify which relationships in our life were unhealthy. We have to assess the roles that we played and bring them into awareness so that we can actually make a change. We can’t change something if we don’t know a change is needed. We can’t show love to others if we don’t feel we know what healthy love is. We take what we were shown initially and raised by and identify this as “healthy” love when in reality it may not be. We have to decipher illusions from reality if we want to seek an easier and softer way of life without going in circles.
Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity is when we do the same thing over and over and expect different results. Until we uncover our own behaviors in relationships we will seek the same roles and expect different results.
Life altering changes in early stages of our lives can stay with us and have impact on our choices and decisions. After all our experiences are what makes us the people that we are today. We might have empathy for someone suffering abuse, being overweight, quitting an addiction, or overcoming an unhealthy relationship or family because of our own personal associations. Some of our life experiences were tragic or demeaning to our character and had impact on our view of ourselves.
Removing ourselves from the situation is always the first step, however it is not a permanent solution. Wherever we go we are sure to take ourselves with us and this means taking our history along with us too. Any weight or burden we feel does not just go away by removing ourselves from that which affected us.
How does your past set the stage of your future?
Do you have any unresolved business that you need to tend to? Do you have unresolved issues that you are continuing to avoid because you are afraid of the emotion associated with them? Taking a moral inventory of yourself is an honest step towards self-awareness. Think of it this way, we don’t heal up a wound on our arm by placing a band-aid on our knee. We have to know where it hurts at so we can clean ourselves off and begin the healing process.
Knowing who we are helps us understand the relationships we have with ourselves and with others. The foundation we establish with ourselves sets the stage for the types of relationships we seek out. So if we don’t address issues now, they will only dare to resurface later on. Chances are they will resurface at a time that we may not feel is appropriate.
How to stop replaying the old tapes?
Once we figure out who we are and where we came from, we have to correct some of the old correlations between unhealthy relationships and healthy ones. We have to address our own involvements and assess our roles in our relationships. We also need to look at what responsibilities we own and what responsibilities do not belong to us. Leaving your past behind you is one thing and taking along guilt that doesn’t belong to you is another. So it’s time to put away the boxing gloves and stop beating ourselves up.
We don’t have to replay the old scenarios that haunted us. We don’t have to live under old expectations that were never valid to begin with. We can move on. We can create a better space for ourselves and become the people we always wanted to be.
I get asked this all the time when someone is having an issue with their relationship. They ask me how they can get the person they love and care about so much to “stop doing ______” Sometimes their spouse is degrading them or trying to push buttons to engage in unhealthy behaviors that cycle into deep seeded resentments. The relationship continues on and so does the pattern developing into a parasite host relationship instead of a healthy nurturing relationship.
The rationale can go something like this, “But I love him/her.” What you love is “crazy”, what you love is the cycle that you have grown to expect, disagree/fight, then makeup. However unhealthy your relationship is or has become you have somehow grown to be accustomed to the behavior and termed it “love.” Sometimes there are deeper issues that contribute to our liking this pattern. You may have come from an abusive home or have had other unhealthy relationships before this. Perhaps you think this is just your luck and that you always find these sort of relationships. Keep in mind we pick people, places, and things because they make us feel comfortable. It’s what we are used to, it’s what we know so we seek someone that fulfills that familiarity.
However if we want to evolve and transform our boundaries and concepts of what love is we need to accept something new. We need to uncover our potential and we need to acknowledge that we actually have the right o be loved. We don’t have to stay with the insanity because we think that this is the only concept of love we will ever have. We can release the unhealthy and move forward with healing our patterns and embarking on a new journey to love.
So when does the insanity stop? It stops when we have stopped participating. It takes two to argue. It takes two to disagree. When one person stops arguing the argument has no more fuel. There is no more ignition, there is no more flame. Take that all away and what you have left is the truth. Either you carry on in a loving way or you don’t carry on at all.
If you ever were curious about why you have some of the relationships you have then this book is for you. Start by assessing your roles and involvements in relationships and then look at some of the people you establish yourself with. This book takes you through a series of chapters and journal exercises that will allow you to uncover your life patterns and establish healthier relationships as a result.
One of our focal points here is to assess your role in relationships such as family, friends, and love relationships, then take a look at any patterns that may have developed over the years. Once we bring our life patterns into awareness, we are able to identify unhealthy behaviors, and work towards improving our daily relationships.
- Identify your relationship patterns
- Assess your roles in relationships
- Deal with past issues
- Discover signs of healthy relationships
- Rebuild your trust
- Learn how to abandon drama
- Learn healthy habits
- Self examination